| For those of us committed to helping | | | | empathy, as are often conveyed through |
| children overcome learning challenges, | | | | pragmatic communication. This is very |
| the quest to teach social skills is | | | | different from the absence of empathy |
| particularly important. Social learning | | | | found among antisocial children and |
| impairments are associated with a wide | | | | adolescents. |
| variety of learning disabilities, | | | | Many children with nonverbal learning |
| although they are especially problematic | | | | disabilities are better understood as |
| for people with nonverbal learning | | | | being asocial, meaning that they can |
| disabilities (NLD), noted to have | | | | appear indifferent to social |
| underdeveloped right-hemisphere | | | | interaction. |
| abilities, including deficits in: | | | | We Can Help Teach Children to Solve |
| ? reading facial expressions | | | | Their Own Social Problems |
| ? perceiving emotions | | | | Not long ago, I was leading a social |
| ? using nonverbal communication (body | | | | skills group for 3rd and 4th grade boys, |
| language) | | | | about half of whom had been identified |
| The constellation of social skills | | | | as having a learning disability. We were |
| deficits often encountered in school age | | | | huddled in my office with kids bunched |
| children are perhaps best described as | | | | on sofas, sitting on the floor, and |
| pragmatic communication deficits, which | | | | twirling in my desk chair. One seven |
| encompass challenges understanding | | | | year-old boy, Grant, resisted joining in |
| social conventions and applying social | | | | our group activity, which was to design |
| cognitive skills. On the next page you | | | | and build a big ?cyborg?. He stood near |
| will find some common examples of | | | | the door on the periphery of the group |
| pragmatic communication skills. This | | | | with a scowl on his face and body |
| information is taken from my book, Boys | | | | language that conveyed his fear and |
| of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to | | | | distrust of the group. Grant wasn?t |
| Communicate and Connect, ? 2006. | | | | responding to cajoling and encouragement |
| Pragmatic (Practical) Communication | | | | to join us. I tried all kinds of |
| Skills | | | | approaches, changing the tone of my |
| **All these skills should be considered | | | | voice and my facial expression, in |
| in an age-appropriate context. Many of | | | | search of the combination that would |
| these skills are developed in | | | | help him join in. Still, he would not |
| adolescence. Compare your child?s | | | | budge. |
| abilities relative to his peers. | | | | Several years earlier, my frustration |
| PHYSICAL | | | | probably would have resulted in me |
| ? Maintaining appropriate conversational | | | | taking Grant outside and pleading with |
| distance | | | | him to sit down and join the group. |
| Example: Other children may complain | | | | That?s because I used to have the faulty |
| that ?he?s bothering me,? or say ?tell | | | | impression that ?leading? a group, meant |
| him to stop touching me? while playing | | | | ?controlling? the group. Since then, I |
| together. Sometimes inserts himself | | | | have come to appreciate the |
| physically into a group of children by | | | | extraordinary strong will of boys to do |
| pushing or nudging others out of the way | | | | things in ways that reflect their own |
| in order to join the conversation. | | | | logic about how problems should be |
| ? Eye contact | | | | solved. |
| Example: Doesn?t look others in the eye; | | | | As the situation unfolded, it became |
| hides behind hair/hat/sunglasses; stares | | | | apparent that Grant?s resistance |
| to the point of discomfort. | | | | provided the boys with a good |
| ? Linking gestures with ideas and | | | | problem-solving opportunity, and so I |
| emotions | | | | posed a question to the group. Did |
| Example: Body language doesn?t match | | | | anyone have any ideas about how we could |
| speech (thanks you for giving him a | | | | get Grant to join us? Most of the kids |
| desired gift but slumps and stares off | | | | responded with suggestions of various |
| into space); waves too strongly or too | | | | kinds of rewards: games, candy, or |
| unenthusiastically for the | | | | premium seating (twirling chair). One |
| circumstances; forgets to reinforce | | | | typically shy boy, Tyler, suggested we |
| emotion with body language. | | | | could ?buddy-up? so that everyone could |
| ? Using facial expression effectively | | | | have a partner, including Grant. Tyler |
| Example: Facial expressions don?t convey | | | | also suggested that buddies sit next to |
| interest in other people; expression is | | | | each other so they could share tools. |
| not congruent with topic or situation; | | | | Most of the boys agreed this was a good |
| doesn?t nod to show he gets the point, | | | | idea and so we began a discussion of how |
| looks furious at small disappointment; | | | | buddies would be chosen. Again, Tyler |
| forgets to smile. | | | | spoke up, suggesting that Grant could |
| VERBAL | | | | pick his buddy. |
| ? Attending to time and place | | | | Throughout this process, I was watching |
| Example: Talks too fast; doesn?t know | | | | Grant closely, and was struck by his |
| when to interject a comment or let | | | | awareness of the group?s concern about |
| others speak, doesn?t know how much | | | | him. His facial expression changed from |
| information to share (goes on and on | | | | one of distrust to a cautious grin. He?d |
| about a subject to someone?s obvious | | | | obviously had some significant doubt |
| irritation). | | | | about whether the boys would accept him, |
| ? Turn-taking | | | | and how he would fit in ? figuratively |
| Example: Consistently interrupts; | | | | and literally. Tyler?s leadership in |
| doesn?t perceive when it?s someone | | | | breaking through his fears paved the way |
| else?s turn to talk. | | | | for his integration in the group. As you |
| ? Voice modulation | | | | might imagine, I felt very proud of |
| Example: Has trouble with prosody | | | | Tyler for his sensitivity to Grant, and |
| (pitch, tone, volume, inflection); | | | | his ability to apply that sensitivity |
| speaks too softly or loudly without | | | | through active problem-solving. Although |
| regard for physical proximity (you?re | | | | he never verbalized Grant?s feelings, |
| across the room but he doesn?t raise his | | | | Tyler?s suggestions were, emotionally |
| voice to answer you). | | | | speaking, quite sophisticated, and |
| ? Giving compliments | | | | reflected an understanding of what Grant |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to give a | | | | was feeling. |
| compliment relevant to a person and | | | | Socializing is not a ?Logical? Process |
| circumstances; sometimes unintentionally | | | | When we think about teaching social |
| insults people (?you?re a lot less fat | | | | skills to children, it is a natural step |
| than you were?). | | | | for us to begin thinking about skills as |
| ? Greetings and Good-byes | | | | component parts of a larger system. |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to introduce | | | | While this may be a logical and |
| himself to individuals or groups; can?t | | | | practical way to go about the teaching |
| initiate social contact (avoids parties | | | | of a ?system,? it is not necessarily the |
| and gatherings); doesn?t know how to | | | | best, or only, aspect of a therapeutic |
| close a conversation (just walks off | | | | process designed to facilitate the |
| when he?s done talking); doesn?t shake | | | | development of social skills. |
| hands/share hugs with close friends or | | | | In addition, for individuals such as |
| family members; forgets to say ?hello?. | | | | psychologists or counselors who may |
| THINKING | | | | teach social skills, there is a tendency |
| ? Detecting emotions in other people | | | | to systematize the teaching of such |
| Example: Doesn?t consider other people?s | | | | skills in limited periods of time, such |
| emotional state before speaking (you?re | | | | as teaching one skill per session for 12 |
| in the middle of an argument with | | | | ? 15 weeks. When social skills are |
| someone and he asks you to make him a | | | | taught to groups this approach may be |
| snack); doesn?t realize when it?s time | | | | inevitable, but when working with |
| to ?back off?; doesn?t read signs about | | | | children individually, there is |
| how you feel (thinks you?re mad when | | | | typically more latitude, including |
| you?re not) | | | | allowing the child to play an important |
| ? Perceiving and expressing humor | | | | role in how the learning evolves. |
| Example: Takes jokes, sarcasm or irony | | | | Experience has taught me not to exclude |
| literally; laughs at inappropriate | | | | the importance of the relationship |
| times; doesn?t engage in word play or | | | | between teacher and student, or |
| friendly teasing with peers. | | | | therapist and client, in helping |
| ? Knowing how to make conversational | | | | children integrate new skills. In this |
| transitions | | | | sense, professionals allow the process |
| Example: Forgets to take his turn in | | | | of learning to be as organic as would be |
| conversations (calls you up on phone and | | | | the process of healing syndromes like |
| then says nothing); discussions filled | | | | depression or anxiety. |
| with uncomfortable ?dead space?; doesn?t | | | | An excellent working alliance is a |
| pick up on ?leads? to continue | | | | critical foundation for learning most |
| conversation (So, you like baseball? | | | | things, including how to relate to |
| Who?s your favorite team?) | | | | others. |
| ? Anticipating other people?s reactions | | | | This is because gaining social |
| Example: Neglects to consider the impact | | | | competence is more than conceptually |
| of his words before speaking; can?t | | | | grasping ?skills,? it also involves |
| easily imagine how his words or actions | | | | relaxing enough to take risks ? trying |
| will be perceived by others (says he | | | | new things with uncertain outcomes. |
| likes one present more than another at | | | | From Skills to Awareness |
| his birthday party without anticipating | | | | Perhaps we need to remember that for the |
| that someone?s feelings will be hurt). | | | | brain and mind to integrate new ideas, a |
| Why Are Social Skills So Hard To Learn? | | | | fertile ground of receptivity must first |
| Most people use social skills quickly | | | | be prepared. That receptivity often |
| and automatically, and as a result, | | | | springs from an effective, trusting, |
| don?t have the benefit of time to | | | | working alliance. For many children, |
| analyze which skills will be used in | | | | this means engaging in therapeutic and |
| particular situations, or how best to | | | | relational activities that are not |
| apply them. When our social reflexes are | | | | purely didactic, because such structured |
| well-attuned and effective, we don?t | | | | activities are often associated with |
| need time to think - we just do and say | | | | domains where they lack success. In |
| what comes naturally. | | | | other words, you can make it fun ? play |
| Important to emphasize is that social | | | | is the work of children. |
| skills are built on a foundation of | | | | While I would never want to give up my |
| interpersonal awareness. Without an | | | | use of behavioral charts and records, or |
| appreciation of other people?s nonverbal | | | | surrender my collection of therapeutic |
| behavior, including sensitivity to | | | | games designed to teach things like |
| nuances of language rhythm and | | | | communication pragmatics and listening |
| intonation (prosody), it is difficult to | | | | skills, I have come to believe that |
| formulate appropriate and constructive | | | | those exercises are somewhat empty |
| verbal and behavioral responses. In | | | | without a solid alliance between my |
| addition to having a basic awareness of | | | | clients and myself. |
| other people, having an empathetic | | | | The alliance gives children and teens |
| orientation toward others is very | | | | the capacity to be receptive. Sometimes, |
| helpful in bolstering one?s intuition | | | | people may not even be aware of their |
| about how to relate effectively. As some | | | | own resistance to learning new skills. |
| readers may be aware, a disproportionate | | | | For children with learning disabilities, |
| number of children and adolescents with | | | | these walls often come down slowly, but |
| learning disabilities are observed to | | | | they do come down with tools like |
| have low empathy. | | | | patience, commitment, and belief in the |
| To be in an empathic relationship with | | | | desire of children to connect with |
| another person or group is the opposite | | | | others. |
| of self-absorption. Empathy implies a | | | | Anything that might help a child connect |
| departure from a state of | | | | the development of social awareness with |
| self-centeredness, and immersion into | | | | a positive outcome should be considered |
| the subjective experience of others. By | | | | a potential tool. Still, we should |
| definition, empathy is prosocial, | | | | remember that what we are building with |
| because it emphasizes the value of | | | | these tools is a mind, and a mind is not |
| comprehending and appreciating the | | | | a machine ? it is the very essence of |
| thoughts and feelings of other people. | | | | being a person. We simply can?t program |
| We all function in various types of | | | | a mind according to standards of |
| groups: families, schools, teams, | | | | efficiency without regard for the |
| neighborhoods, and communities, among | | | | individual within whom that mind lives. |
| others. Social skills make our | | | | This article originally appeared in the |
| participation in these groups easier and | | | | 2004 monograph of the Learning |
| more satisfying. Although lack of | | | | Disabilities Association of |
| empathy has been associated with the | | | | Pennsylvania. Portions of this article |
| presence of NLD, I would argue that what | | | | were adapted from Boys of Few Words: |
| is missing for many learning disabled | | | | Raising Our Sons to Communicate and |
| children are overt expressions of | | | | Connect, Guilford Press, 2006. |