| For those of us committed to helping children | | | | learning disabled children are overt expressions of |
| overcome learning challenges, the quest to teach | | | | empathy, as are often conveyed through pragmatic |
| social skills is particularly important. Social learning | | | | communication. This is very different from the |
| impairments are associated with a wide variety of | | | | absence of empathy found among antisocial children |
| learning disabilities, although they are especially | | | | and adolescents. |
| problematic for people with nonverbal learning | | | | Many children with nonverbal learning disabilities are |
| disabilities (NLD), noted to have underdeveloped | | | | better understood as being asocial, meaning that they |
| right-hemisphere abilities, including deficits in: | | | | can appear indifferent to social interaction. |
| ? reading facial expressions | | | | We Can Help Teach Children to Solve Their Own |
| ? perceiving emotions | | | | Social Problems |
| ? using nonverbal communication (body language) | | | | Not long ago, I was leading a social skills group for 3rd |
| The constellation of social skills deficits often | | | | and 4th grade boys, about half of whom had been |
| encountered in school age children are perhaps best | | | | identified as having a learning disability. We were |
| described as pragmatic communication deficits, which | | | | huddled in my office with kids bunched on sofas, sitting |
| encompass challenges understanding social | | | | on the floor, and twirling in my desk chair. One seven |
| conventions and applying social cognitive skills. On the | | | | year-old boy, Grant, resisted joining in our group activity, |
| next page you will find some common examples of | | | | which was to design and build a big ?cyborg?. He |
| pragmatic communication skills. This information is | | | | stood near the door on the periphery of the group with |
| taken from my book, Boys of Few Words: Raising | | | | a scowl on his face and body language that conveyed |
| Our Sons to Communicate and Connect, ? 2006. | | | | his fear and distrust of the group. Grant wasn?t |
| Pragmatic (Practical) Communication Skills | | | | responding to cajoling and encouragement to join us. I |
| **All these skills should be considered in an | | | | tried all kinds of approaches, changing the tone of my |
| age-appropriate context. Many of these skills are | | | | voice and my facial expression, in search of the |
| developed in adolescence. Compare your child?s | | | | combination that would help him join in. Still, he would |
| abilities relative to his peers. | | | | not budge. |
| PHYSICAL | | | | Several years earlier, my frustration probably would |
| ? Maintaining appropriate conversational distance | | | | have resulted in me taking Grant outside and pleading |
| Example: Other children may complain that ?he?s | | | | with him to sit down and join the group. That?s |
| bothering me,? or say ?tell him to stop touching me? | | | | because I used to have the faulty impression that |
| while playing together. Sometimes inserts himself | | | | ?leading? a group, meant ?controlling? the group. Since |
| physically into a group of children by pushing or nudging | | | | then, I have come to appreciate the extraordinary |
| others out of the way in order to join the conversation. | | | | strong will of boys to do things in ways that reflect |
| ? Eye contact | | | | their own logic about how problems should be solved. |
| Example: Doesn?t look others in the eye; hides behind | | | | As the situation unfolded, it became apparent that |
| hair/hat/sunglasses; stares to the point of discomfort. | | | | Grant?s resistance provided the boys with a good |
| ? Linking gestures with ideas and emotions | | | | problem-solving opportunity, and so I posed a question |
| Example: Body language doesn?t match speech | | | | to the group. Did anyone have any ideas about how |
| (thanks you for giving him a desired gift but slumps and | | | | we could get Grant to join us? Most of the kids |
| stares off into space); waves too strongly or too | | | | responded with suggestions of various kinds of |
| unenthusiastically for the circumstances; forgets to | | | | rewards: games, candy, or premium seating (twirling |
| reinforce emotion with body language. | | | | chair). One typically shy boy, Tyler, suggested we |
| ? Using facial expression effectively | | | | could ?buddy-up? so that everyone could have a |
| Example: Facial expressions don?t convey interest in | | | | partner, including Grant. Tyler also suggested that |
| other people; expression is not congruent with topic or | | | | buddies sit next to each other so they could share |
| situation; doesn?t nod to show he gets the point, looks | | | | tools. Most of the boys agreed this was a good idea |
| furious at small disappointment; forgets to smile. | | | | and so we began a discussion of how buddies would |
| VERBAL | | | | be chosen. Again, Tyler spoke up, suggesting that |
| ? Attending to time and place | | | | Grant could pick his buddy. |
| Example: Talks too fast; doesn?t know when to | | | | Throughout this process, I was watching Grant closely, |
| interject a comment or let others speak, doesn?t | | | | and was struck by his awareness of the group?s |
| know how much information to share (goes on and on | | | | concern about him. His facial expression changed from |
| about a subject to someone?s obvious irritation). | | | | one of distrust to a cautious grin. He?d obviously had |
| ? Turn-taking | | | | some significant doubt about whether the boys would |
| Example: Consistently interrupts; doesn?t perceive | | | | accept him, and how he would fit in ? figuratively and |
| when it?s someone else?s turn to talk. | | | | literally. Tyler?s leadership in breaking through his fears |
| ? Voice modulation | | | | paved the way for his integration in the group. As you |
| Example: Has trouble with prosody (pitch, tone, volume, | | | | might imagine, I felt very proud of Tyler for his |
| inflection); speaks too softly or loudly without regard | | | | sensitivity to Grant, and his ability to apply that |
| for physical proximity (you?re across the room but he | | | | sensitivity through active problem-solving. Although he |
| doesn?t raise his voice to answer you). | | | | never verbalized Grant?s feelings, Tyler?s suggestions |
| ? Giving compliments | | | | were, emotionally speaking, quite sophisticated, and |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to give a compliment | | | | reflected an understanding of what Grant was feeling. |
| relevant to a person and circumstances; sometimes | | | | Socializing is not a ?Logical? Process |
| unintentionally insults people (?you?re a lot less fat than | | | | When we think about teaching social skills to children, it |
| you were?). | | | | is a natural step for us to begin thinking about skills as |
| ? Greetings and Good-byes | | | | component parts of a larger system. While this may |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to introduce himself to | | | | be a logical and practical way to go about the teaching |
| individuals or groups; can?t initiate social contact | | | | of a ?system,? it is not necessarily the best, or only, |
| (avoids parties and gatherings); doesn?t know how to | | | | aspect of a therapeutic process designed to facilitate |
| close a conversation (just walks off when he?s done | | | | the development of social skills. |
| talking); doesn?t shake hands/share hugs with close | | | | In addition, for individuals such as psychologists or |
| friends or family members; forgets to say ?hello?. | | | | counselors who may teach social skills, there is a |
| THINKING | | | | tendency to systematize the teaching of such skills in |
| ? Detecting emotions in other people | | | | limited periods of time, such as teaching one skill per |
| Example: Doesn?t consider other people?s emotional | | | | session for 12 ? 15 weeks. When social skills are |
| state before speaking (you?re in the middle of an | | | | taught to groups this approach may be inevitable, but |
| argument with someone and he asks you to make him | | | | when working with children individually, there is typically |
| a snack); doesn?t realize when it?s time to ?back off?; | | | | more latitude, including allowing the child to play an |
| doesn?t read signs about how you feel (thinks you?re | | | | important role in how the learning evolves. Experience |
| mad when you?re not) | | | | has taught me not to exclude the importance of the |
| ? Perceiving and expressing humor | | | | relationship between teacher and student, or therapist |
| Example: Takes jokes, sarcasm or irony literally; laughs | | | | and client, in helping children integrate new skills. In this |
| at inappropriate times; doesn?t engage in word play or | | | | sense, professionals allow the process of learning to |
| friendly teasing with peers. | | | | be as organic as would be the process of healing |
| ? Knowing how to make conversational transitions | | | | syndromes like depression or anxiety. |
| Example: Forgets to take his turn in conversations | | | | An excellent working alliance is a critical foundation for |
| (calls you up on phone and then says nothing); | | | | learning most things, including how to relate to others. |
| discussions filled with uncomfortable ?dead space?; | | | | This is because gaining social competence is more |
| doesn?t pick up on ?leads? to continue conversation | | | | than conceptually grasping ?skills,? it also involves |
| (So, you like baseball? Who?s your favorite team?) | | | | relaxing enough to take risks ? trying new things with |
| ? Anticipating other people?s reactions | | | | uncertain outcomes. |
| Example: Neglects to consider the impact of his words | | | | From Skills to Awareness |
| before speaking; can?t easily imagine how his words | | | | Perhaps we need to remember that for the brain and |
| or actions will be perceived by others (says he likes | | | | mind to integrate new ideas, a fertile ground of |
| one present more than another at his birthday party | | | | receptivity must first be prepared. That receptivity |
| without anticipating that someone?s feelings will be | | | | often springs from an effective, trusting, working |
| hurt). | | | | alliance. For many children, this means engaging in |
| Why Are Social Skills So Hard To Learn? | | | | therapeutic and relational activities that are not purely |
| Most people use social skills quickly and automatically, | | | | didactic, because such structured activities are often |
| and as a result, don?t have the benefit of time to | | | | associated with domains where they lack success. In |
| analyze which skills will be used in particular situations, | | | | other words, you can make it fun ? play is the work of |
| or how best to apply them. When our social reflexes | | | | children. |
| are well-attuned and effective, we don?t need time to | | | | While I would never want to give up my use of |
| think - we just do and say what comes naturally. | | | | behavioral charts and records, or surrender my |
| Important to emphasize is that social skills are built on a | | | | collection of therapeutic games designed to teach |
| foundation of interpersonal awareness. Without an | | | | things like communication pragmatics and listening skills, |
| appreciation of other people?s nonverbal behavior, | | | | I have come to believe that those exercises are |
| including sensitivity to nuances of language rhythm and | | | | somewhat empty without a solid alliance between my |
| intonation (prosody), it is difficult to formulate | | | | clients and myself. |
| appropriate and constructive verbal and behavioral | | | | The alliance gives children and teens the capacity to |
| responses. In addition to having a basic awareness of | | | | be receptive. Sometimes, people may not even be |
| other people, having an empathetic orientation toward | | | | aware of their own resistance to learning new skills. |
| others is very helpful in bolstering one?s intuition about | | | | For children with learning disabilities, these walls often |
| how to relate effectively. As some readers may be | | | | come down slowly, but they do come down with tools |
| aware, a disproportionate number of children and | | | | like patience, commitment, and belief in the desire of |
| adolescents with learning disabilities are observed to | | | | children to connect with others. |
| have low empathy. | | | | Anything that might help a child connect the |
| To be in an empathic relationship with another person | | | | development of social awareness with a positive |
| or group is the opposite of self-absorption. Empathy | | | | outcome should be considered a potential tool. Still, we |
| implies a departure from a state of self-centeredness, | | | | should remember that what we are building with these |
| and immersion into the subjective experience of | | | | tools is a mind, and a mind is not a machine ? it is the |
| others. By definition, empathy is prosocial, because it | | | | very essence of being a person. We simply can?t |
| emphasizes the value of comprehending and | | | | program a mind according to standards of efficiency |
| appreciating the thoughts and feelings of other people. | | | | without regard for the individual within whom that mind |
| We all function in various types of groups: families, | | | | lives. |
| schools, teams, neighborhoods, and communities, | | | | This article originally appeared in the 2004 monograph |
| among others. Social skills make our participation in | | | | of the Learning Disabilities Association of Pennsylvania. |
| these groups easier and more satisfying. Although lack | | | | Portions of this article were adapted from Boys of |
| of empathy has been associated with the presence of | | | | Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and |
| NLD, I would argue that what is missing for many | | | | Connect, Guilford Press, 2006. |