Disability people need education too


Learning And Teaching Social Skills: A Relationship-Based Approach

For those of us committed to helpingempathy, as are often conveyed through
children overcome learning challenges,pragmatic communication. This is very
the quest to teach social skills isdifferent from the absence of empathy
particularly important. Social learningfound among antisocial children and
impairments are associated with a wideadolescents.
variety of learning disabilities,Many children with nonverbal learning
although they are especially problematicdisabilities are better understood as
for people with nonverbal learningbeing asocial, meaning that they can
disabilities (NLD), noted to haveappear indifferent to social
underdeveloped right-hemisphereinteraction.
abilities, including deficits in:We Can Help Teach Children to Solve
? reading facial expressionsTheir Own Social Problems
? perceiving emotionsNot long ago, I was leading a social
? using nonverbal communication (bodyskills group for 3rd and 4th grade boys,
language)about half of whom had been identified
The constellation of social skillsas having a learning disability. We were
deficits often encountered in school agehuddled in my office with kids bunched
children are perhaps best described ason sofas, sitting on the floor, and
pragmatic communication deficits, whichtwirling in my desk chair. One seven
encompass challenges understandingyear-old boy, Grant, resisted joining in
social conventions and applying socialour group activity, which was to design
cognitive skills. On the next page youand build a big ?cyborg?. He stood near
will find some common examples ofthe door on the periphery of the group
pragmatic communication skills. Thiswith a scowl on his face and body
information is taken from my book, Boyslanguage that conveyed his fear and
of Few Words: Raising Our Sons todistrust of the group. Grant wasn?t
Communicate and Connect, ? 2006.responding to cajoling and encouragement
Pragmatic (Practical) Communicationto join us. I tried all kinds of
Skillsapproaches, changing the tone of my
**All these skills should be consideredvoice and my facial expression, in
in an age-appropriate context. Many ofsearch of the combination that would
these skills are developed inhelp him join in. Still, he would not
adolescence. Compare your child?sbudge.
abilities relative to his peers.Several years earlier, my frustration
PHYSICALprobably would have resulted in me
? Maintaining appropriate conversationaltaking Grant outside and pleading with
distancehim to sit down and join the group.
Example: Other children may complainThat?s because I used to have the faulty
that ?he?s bothering me,? or say ?tellimpression that ?leading? a group, meant
him to stop touching me? while playing?controlling? the group. Since then, I
together. Sometimes inserts himselfhave come to appreciate the
physically into a group of children byextraordinary strong will of boys to do
pushing or nudging others out of the waythings in ways that reflect their own
in order to join the conversation.logic about how problems should be
? Eye contactsolved.
Example: Doesn?t look others in the eye;As the situation unfolded, it became
hides behind hair/hat/sunglasses; staresapparent that Grant?s resistance
to the point of discomfort.provided the boys with a good
? Linking gestures with ideas andproblem-solving opportunity, and so I
emotionsposed a question to the group. Did
Example: Body language doesn?t matchanyone have any ideas about how we could
speech (thanks you for giving him aget Grant to join us? Most of the kids
desired gift but slumps and stares offresponded with suggestions of various
into space); waves too strongly or tookinds of rewards: games, candy, or
unenthusiastically for thepremium seating (twirling chair). One
circumstances; forgets to reinforcetypically shy boy, Tyler, suggested we
emotion with body language.could ?buddy-up? so that everyone could
? Using facial expression effectivelyhave a partner, including Grant. Tyler
Example: Facial expressions don?t conveyalso suggested that buddies sit next to
interest in other people; expression iseach other so they could share tools.
not congruent with topic or situation;Most of the boys agreed this was a good
doesn?t nod to show he gets the point,idea and so we began a discussion of how
looks furious at small disappointment;buddies would be chosen. Again, Tyler
forgets to smile.spoke up, suggesting that Grant could
VERBALpick his buddy.
? Attending to time and placeThroughout this process, I was watching
Example: Talks too fast; doesn?t knowGrant closely, and was struck by his
when to interject a comment or letawareness of the group?s concern about
others speak, doesn?t know how muchhim. His facial expression changed from
information to share (goes on and onone of distrust to a cautious grin. He?d
about a subject to someone?s obviousobviously had some significant doubt
irritation).about whether the boys would accept him,
? Turn-takingand how he would fit in ? figuratively
Example: Consistently interrupts;and literally. Tyler?s leadership in
doesn?t perceive when it?s someonebreaking through his fears paved the way
else?s turn to talk.for his integration in the group. As you
? Voice modulationmight imagine, I felt very proud of
Example: Has trouble with prosodyTyler for his sensitivity to Grant, and
(pitch, tone, volume, inflection);his ability to apply that sensitivity
speaks too softly or loudly withoutthrough active problem-solving. Although
regard for physical proximity (you?rehe never verbalized Grant?s feelings,
across the room but he doesn?t raise hisTyler?s suggestions were, emotionally
voice to answer you).speaking, quite sophisticated, and
? Giving complimentsreflected an understanding of what Grant
Example: Doesn?t know how to give awas feeling.
compliment relevant to a person andSocializing is not a ?Logical? Process
circumstances; sometimes unintentionallyWhen we think about teaching social
insults people (?you?re a lot less fatskills to children, it is a natural step
than you were?).for us to begin thinking about skills as
? Greetings and Good-byescomponent parts of a larger system.
Example: Doesn?t know how to introduceWhile this may be a logical and
himself to individuals or groups; can?tpractical way to go about the teaching
initiate social contact (avoids partiesof a ?system,? it is not necessarily the
and gatherings); doesn?t know how tobest, or only, aspect of a therapeutic
close a conversation (just walks offprocess designed to facilitate the
when he?s done talking); doesn?t shakedevelopment of social skills.
hands/share hugs with close friends orIn addition, for individuals such as
family members; forgets to say ?hello?.psychologists or counselors who may
THINKINGteach social skills, there is a tendency
? Detecting emotions in other peopleto systematize the teaching of such
Example: Doesn?t consider other people?sskills in limited periods of time, such
emotional state before speaking (you?reas teaching one skill per session for 12
in the middle of an argument with? 15 weeks. When social skills are
someone and he asks you to make him ataught to groups this approach may be
snack); doesn?t realize when it?s timeinevitable, but when working with
to ?back off?; doesn?t read signs aboutchildren individually, there is
how you feel (thinks you?re mad whentypically more latitude, including
you?re not)allowing the child to play an important
? Perceiving and expressing humorrole in how the learning evolves.
Example: Takes jokes, sarcasm or ironyExperience has taught me not to exclude
literally; laughs at inappropriatethe importance of the relationship
times; doesn?t engage in word play orbetween teacher and student, or
friendly teasing with peers.therapist and client, in helping
? Knowing how to make conversationalchildren integrate new skills. In this
transitionssense, professionals allow the process
Example: Forgets to take his turn inof learning to be as organic as would be
conversations (calls you up on phone andthe process of healing syndromes like
then says nothing); discussions filleddepression or anxiety.
with uncomfortable ?dead space?; doesn?tAn excellent working alliance is a
pick up on ?leads? to continuecritical foundation for learning most
conversation (So, you like baseball?things, including how to relate to
Who?s your favorite team?)others.
? Anticipating other people?s reactionsThis is because gaining social
Example: Neglects to consider the impactcompetence is more than conceptually
of his words before speaking; can?tgrasping ?skills,? it also involves
easily imagine how his words or actionsrelaxing enough to take risks ? trying
will be perceived by others (says henew things with uncertain outcomes.
likes one present more than another atFrom Skills to Awareness
his birthday party without anticipatingPerhaps we need to remember that for the
that someone?s feelings will be hurt).brain and mind to integrate new ideas, a
Why Are Social Skills So Hard To Learn?fertile ground of receptivity must first
Most people use social skills quicklybe prepared. That receptivity often
and automatically, and as a result,springs from an effective, trusting,
don?t have the benefit of time toworking alliance. For many children,
analyze which skills will be used inthis means engaging in therapeutic and
particular situations, or how best torelational activities that are not
apply them. When our social reflexes arepurely didactic, because such structured
well-attuned and effective, we don?tactivities are often associated with
need time to think - we just do and saydomains where they lack success. In
what comes naturally.other words, you can make it fun ? play
Important to emphasize is that socialis the work of children.
skills are built on a foundation ofWhile I would never want to give up my
interpersonal awareness. Without anuse of behavioral charts and records, or
appreciation of other people?s nonverbalsurrender my collection of therapeutic
behavior, including sensitivity togames designed to teach things like
nuances of language rhythm andcommunication pragmatics and listening
intonation (prosody), it is difficult toskills, I have come to believe that
formulate appropriate and constructivethose exercises are somewhat empty
verbal and behavioral responses. Inwithout a solid alliance between my
addition to having a basic awareness ofclients and myself.
other people, having an empatheticThe alliance gives children and teens
orientation toward others is verythe capacity to be receptive. Sometimes,
helpful in bolstering one?s intuitionpeople may not even be aware of their
about how to relate effectively. As someown resistance to learning new skills.
readers may be aware, a disproportionateFor children with learning disabilities,
number of children and adolescents withthese walls often come down slowly, but
learning disabilities are observed tothey do come down with tools like
have low empathy.patience, commitment, and belief in the
To be in an empathic relationship withdesire of children to connect with
another person or group is the oppositeothers.
of self-absorption. Empathy implies aAnything that might help a child connect
departure from a state ofthe development of social awareness with
self-centeredness, and immersion intoa positive outcome should be considered
the subjective experience of others. Bya potential tool. Still, we should
definition, empathy is prosocial,remember that what we are building with
because it emphasizes the value ofthese tools is a mind, and a mind is not
comprehending and appreciating thea machine ? it is the very essence of
thoughts and feelings of other people.being a person. We simply can?t program
We all function in various types ofa mind according to standards of
groups: families, schools, teams,efficiency without regard for the
neighborhoods, and communities, amongindividual within whom that mind lives.
others. Social skills make ourThis article originally appeared in the
participation in these groups easier and2004 monograph of the Learning
more satisfying. Although lack ofDisabilities Association of
empathy has been associated with thePennsylvania. Portions of this article
presence of NLD, I would argue that whatwere adapted from Boys of Few Words:
is missing for many learning disabledRaising Our Sons to Communicate and
children are overt expressions ofConnect, Guilford Press, 2006.



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