| For those of us committed to helping children | | | | from a state of self-centeredness, and |
| overcome learning challenges, the quest to | | | | immersion into the subjective experience of |
| teach social skills is particularly | | | | others. By definition, empathy is prosocial, |
| important. Social learning impairments are | | | | because it emphasizes the value of |
| associated with a wide variety of learning | | | | comprehending and appreciating the thoughts |
| disabilities, although they are especially | | | | and feelings of other people. |
| problematic for people with nonverbal | | | | |
| learning disabilities (NLD), noted to have | | | | We all function in various types of groups: |
| underdeveloped right-hemisphere abilities, | | | | families, schools, teams, neighborhoods, and |
| including deficits in: | | | | communities, among others. Social skills make |
| | | | our participation in these groups easier and |
| ? reading facial expressions | | | | more satisfying. Although lack of empathy has |
| | | | been associated with the presence of NLD, I |
| ? perceiving emotions | | | | would argue that what is missing for many |
| | | | learning disabled children are overt |
| ? using nonverbal communication (body | | | | expressions of empathy, as are often conveyed |
| language) | | | | through pragmatic communication. This is very |
| | | | different from the absence of empathy found |
| The constellation of social skills deficits | | | | among antisocial children and adolescents. |
| often encountered in school age children are | | | | |
| perhaps best described as pragmatic | | | | Many children with nonverbal learning |
| communication deficits, which encompass | | | | disabilities are better understood as being |
| challenges understanding social conventions | | | | asocial, meaning that they can appear |
| and applying social cognitive skills. On the | | | | indifferent to social interaction. |
| next page you will find some common examples | | | | |
| of pragmatic communication skills. This | | | | We Can Help Teach Children to Solve Their Own |
| information is taken from my book, Boys of | | | | Social Problems |
| Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate | | | | |
| and Connect, ? 2006. | | | | Not long ago, I was leading a social skills |
| | | | group for 3rd and 4th grade boys, about half |
| Pragmatic (Practical) Communication Skills | | | | of whom had been identified as having a |
| | | | learning disability. We were huddled in my |
| **All these skills should be considered in an | | | | office with kids bunched on sofas, sitting on |
| age-appropriate context. Many of these skills | | | | the floor, and twirling in my desk chair. One |
| are developed in adolescence. Compare your | | | | seven year-old boy, Grant, resisted joining |
| child?s abilities relative to his peers. | | | | in our group activity, which was to design |
| | | | and build a big ?cyborg?. He stood near the |
| PHYSICAL | | | | door on the periphery of the group with a |
| | | | scowl on his face and body language that |
| ? Maintaining appropriate conversational | | | | conveyed his fear and distrust of the group. |
| distance | | | | Grant wasn?t responding to cajoling and |
| | | | encouragement to join us. I tried all kinds |
| Example: Other children may complain that | | | | of approaches, changing the tone of my voice |
| ?he?s bothering me,? or say ?tell him to stop | | | | and my facial expression, in search of the |
| touching me? while playing together. | | | | combination that would help him join in. |
| Sometimes inserts himself physically into a | | | | Still, he would not budge. |
| group of children by pushing or nudging | | | | |
| others out of the way in order to join the | | | | Several years earlier, my frustration |
| conversation. | | | | probably would have resulted in me taking |
| | | | Grant outside and pleading with him to sit |
| ? Eye contact | | | | down and join the group. That?s because I |
| | | | used to have the faulty impression that |
| Example: Doesn?t look others in the eye; | | | | ?leading? a group, meant ?controlling? the |
| hides behind hair/hat/sunglasses; stares to | | | | group. Since then, I have come to appreciate |
| the point of discomfort. | | | | the extraordinary strong will of boys to do |
| | | | things in ways that reflect their own logic |
| ? Linking gestures with ideas and emotions | | | | about how problems should be solved. |
| | | | |
| Example: Body language doesn?t match speech | | | | As the situation unfolded, it became apparent |
| (thanks you for giving him a desired gift but | | | | that Grant?s resistance provided the boys |
| slumps and stares off into space); waves too | | | | with a good problem-solving opportunity, and |
| strongly or too unenthusiastically for the | | | | so I posed a question to the group. Did |
| circumstances; forgets to reinforce emotion | | | | anyone have any ideas about how we could get |
| with body language. | | | | Grant to join us? Most of the kids responded |
| | | | with suggestions of various kinds of rewards: |
| ? Using facial expression effectively | | | | games, candy, or premium seating (twirling |
| | | | chair). One typically shy boy, Tyler, |
| Example: Facial expressions don?t convey | | | | suggested we could ?buddy-up? so that |
| interest in other people; expression is not | | | | everyone could have a partner, including |
| congruent with topic or situation; doesn?t | | | | Grant. Tyler also suggested that buddies sit |
| nod to show he gets the point, looks furious | | | | next to each other so they could share tools. |
| at small disappointment; forgets to smile. | | | | Most of the boys agreed this was a good idea |
| | | | and so we began a discussion of how buddies |
| VERBAL | | | | would be chosen. Again, Tyler spoke up, |
| | | | suggesting that Grant could pick his buddy. |
| ? Attending to time and place | | | | |
| | | | Throughout this process, I was watching Grant |
| Example: Talks too fast; doesn?t know when to | | | | closely, and was struck by his awareness of |
| interject a comment or let others speak, | | | | the group?s concern about him. His facial |
| doesn?t know how much information to share | | | | expression changed from one of distrust to a |
| (goes on and on about a subject to someone?s | | | | cautious grin. He?d obviously had some |
| obvious irritation). | | | | significant doubt about whether the boys |
| | | | would accept him, and how he would fit in ? |
| ? Turn-taking | | | | figuratively and literally. Tyler?s |
| | | | leadership in breaking through his fears |
| Example: Consistently interrupts; doesn?t | | | | paved the way for his integration in the |
| perceive when it?s someone else?s turn to | | | | group. As you might imagine, I felt very |
| talk. | | | | proud of Tyler for his sensitivity to Grant, |
| | | | and his ability to apply that sensitivity |
| ? Voice modulation | | | | through active problem-solving. Although he |
| | | | never verbalized Grant?s feelings, Tyler?s |
| Example: Has trouble with prosody (pitch, | | | | suggestions were, emotionally speaking, quite |
| tone, volume, inflection); speaks too softly | | | | sophisticated, and reflected an understanding |
| or loudly without regard for physical | | | | of what Grant was feeling. |
| proximity (you?re across the room but he | | | | |
| doesn?t raise his voice to answer you). | | | | Socializing is not a ?Logical? Process |
| | | | |
| ? Giving compliments | | | | When we think about teaching social skills to |
| | | | children, it is a natural step for us to |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to give a | | | | begin thinking about skills as component |
| compliment relevant to a person and | | | | parts of a larger system. While this may be a |
| circumstances; sometimes unintentionally | | | | logical and practical way to go about the |
| insults people (?you?re a lot less fat than | | | | teaching of a ?system,? it is not necessarily |
| you were?). | | | | the best, or only, aspect of a therapeutic |
| | | | process designed to facilitate the |
| ? Greetings and Good-byes | | | | development of social skills. |
| | | | |
| Example: Doesn?t know how to introduce | | | | In addition, for individuals such as |
| himself to individuals or groups; can?t | | | | psychologists or counselors who may teach |
| initiate social contact (avoids parties and | | | | social skills, there is a tendency to |
| gatherings); doesn?t know how to close a | | | | systematize the teaching of such skills in |
| conversation (just walks off when he?s done | | | | limited periods of time, such as teaching one |
| talking); doesn?t shake hands/share hugs with | | | | skill per session for 12 ? 15 weeks. When |
| close friends or family members; forgets to | | | | social skills are taught to groups this |
| say ?hello?. | | | | approach may be inevitable, but when working |
| | | | with children individually, there is |
| THINKING | | | | typically more latitude, including allowing |
| | | | the child to play an important role in how |
| ? Detecting emotions in other people | | | | the learning evolves. Experience has taught |
| | | | me not to exclude the importance of the |
| Example: Doesn?t consider other people?s | | | | relationship between teacher and student, or |
| emotional state before speaking (you?re in | | | | therapist and client, in helping children |
| the middle of an argument with someone and he | | | | integrate new skills. In this sense, |
| asks you to make him a snack); doesn?t | | | | professionals allow the process of learning |
| realize when it?s time to ?back off?; doesn?t | | | | to be as organic as would be the process of |
| read signs about how you feel (thinks you?re | | | | healing syndromes like depression or anxiety. |
| mad when you?re not) | | | | |
| | | | An excellent working alliance is a critical |
| ? Perceiving and expressing humor | | | | foundation for learning most things, |
| | | | including how to relate to others. |
| Example: Takes jokes, sarcasm or irony | | | | |
| literally; laughs at inappropriate times; | | | | This is because gaining social competence is |
| doesn?t engage in word play or friendly | | | | more than conceptually grasping ?skills,? it |
| teasing with peers. | | | | also involves relaxing enough to take risks ? |
| | | | trying new things with uncertain outcomes. |
| ? Knowing how to make conversational | | | | |
| transitions | | | | From Skills to Awareness |
| | | | |
| Example: Forgets to take his turn in | | | | Perhaps we need to remember that for the |
| conversations (calls you up on phone and then | | | | brain and mind to integrate new ideas, a |
| says nothing); discussions filled with | | | | fertile ground of receptivity must first be |
| uncomfortable ?dead space?; doesn?t pick up | | | | prepared. That receptivity often springs from |
| on ?leads? to continue conversation (So, you | | | | an effective, trusting, working alliance. For |
| like baseball? Who?s your favorite team?) | | | | many children, this means engaging in |
| | | | therapeutic and relational activities that |
| ? Anticipating other people?s reactions | | | | are not purely didactic, because such |
| | | | structured activities are often associated |
| Example: Neglects to consider the impact of | | | | with domains where they lack success. In |
| his words before speaking; can?t easily | | | | other words, you can make it fun ? play is |
| imagine how his words or actions will be | | | | the work of children. |
| perceived by others (says he likes one | | | | |
| present more than another at his birthday | | | | While I would never want to give up my use of |
| party without anticipating that someone?s | | | | behavioral charts and records, or surrender |
| feelings will be hurt). | | | | my collection of therapeutic games designed |
| | | | to teach things like communication pragmatics |
| Why Are Social Skills So Hard To Learn? | | | | and listening skills, I have come to believe |
| | | | that those exercises are somewhat empty |
| Most people use social skills quickly and | | | | without a solid alliance between my clients |
| automatically, and as a result, don?t have | | | | and myself. |
| the benefit of time to analyze which skills | | | | |
| will be used in particular situations, or how | | | | The alliance gives children and teens the |
| best to apply them. When our social reflexes | | | | capacity to be receptive. Sometimes, people |
| are well-attuned and effective, we don?t need | | | | may not even be aware of their own resistance |
| time to think - we just do and say what comes | | | | to learning new skills. For children with |
| naturally. | | | | learning disabilities, these walls often come |
| | | | down slowly, but they do come down with tools |
| Important to emphasize is that social skills | | | | like patience, commitment, and belief in the |
| are built on a foundation of interpersonal | | | | desire of children to connect with others. |
| awareness. Without an appreciation of other | | | | |
| people?s nonverbal behavior, including | | | | Anything that might help a child connect the |
| sensitivity to nuances of language rhythm and | | | | development of social awareness with a |
| intonation (prosody), it is difficult to | | | | positive outcome should be considered a |
| formulate appropriate and constructive verbal | | | | potential tool. Still, we should remember |
| and behavioral responses. In addition to | | | | that what we are building with these tools is |
| having a basic awareness of other people, | | | | a mind, and a mind is not a machine ? it is |
| having an empathetic orientation toward | | | | the very essence of being a person. We simply |
| others is very helpful in bolstering one?s | | | | can?t program a mind according to standards |
| intuition about how to relate effectively. As | | | | of efficiency without regard for the |
| some readers may be aware, a disproportionate | | | | individual within whom that mind lives. |
| number of children and adolescents with | | | | |
| learning disabilities are observed to have | | | | This article originally appeared in the 2004 |
| low empathy. | | | | monograph of the Learning Disabilities |
| | | | Association of Pennsylvania. Portions of this |
| To be in an empathic relationship with | | | | article were adapted from Boys of Few Words: |
| another person or group is the opposite of | | | | Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect, |
| self-absorption. Empathy implies a departure | | | | Guilford Press, 2006. |