| For those of us committed to helping
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| | for many learning disabled children are
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| children overcome learning challenges,
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| | overt expressions of empathy, as are
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| the quest to teach social skills is
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| | often conveyed through pragmatic
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| particularly important. Social learning
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| | communication. This is very different
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| impairments are associated with a wide
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| | from the absence of empathy found among
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| variety of learning disabilities,
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| | antisocial children and adolescents.
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| although they are especially problematic
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| | Many children with nonverbal learning
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| for people with nonverbal learning
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| | disabilities are better understood as
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| disabilities (NLD), noted to have
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| | being asocial, meaning that they can
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| underdeveloped right-hemisphere
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| | appear indifferent to social interaction.
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| abilities, including deficits in:
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| | We Can Help Teach Children to Solve Their
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| - reading facial expressions
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| | Own Social Problems
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| - perceiving emotions
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| | Not long ago, I was leading a social
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| - using nonverbal communication (body
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| | skills group for 3rd and 4th grade boys,
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| language)
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| | about half of whom had been identified as
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| The constellation of social skills
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| | having a learning disability. We were
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| deficits often encountered in school age
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| | huddled in my office with kids bunched on
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| children are perhaps best described as
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| | sofas, sitting on the floor, and twirling
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| pragmatic communication deficits, which
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| | in my desk chair. One seven year-old boy,
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| encompass challenges understanding social
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| | Grant, resisted joining in our group
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| conventions and applying social cognitive
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| | activity, which was to design and build a
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| skills. On the next page you will find
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| | big "cyborg". He stood near the door on
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| some common examples of pragmatic
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| | the periphery of the group with a scowl
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| communication skills. This information is
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| | on his face and body language that
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| taken from my book, Boys of Few Words:
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| | conveyed his fear and distrust of the
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| Raising Our Sons to Communicate and
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| | group. Grant wasn't responding to
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| Connect, © 2006.
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| | cajoling and encouragement to join us. I
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| Pragmatic (Practical) Communication
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| | tried all kinds of approaches, changing
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| Skills
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| | the tone of my voice and my facial
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| **All these skills should be considered
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| | expression, in search of the combination
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| in an age-appropriate context. Many of
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| | that would help him join in. Still, he
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| these skills are developed in
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| | would not budge.
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| adolescence. Compare your child's
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| | Several years earlier, my frustration
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| abilities relative to his peers.
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| | probably would have resulted in me taking
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| PHYSICAL
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| | Grant outside and pleading with him to
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| - Maintaining appropriate conversational
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| | sit down and join the group. That's
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| distance
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| | because I used to have the faulty
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| Example: Other children may complain that
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| | impression that "leading" a group, meant
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| "he's bothering me," or say "tell him to
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| | "controlling" the group. Since then, I
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| stop touching me" while playing together.
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| | have come to appreciate the extraordinary
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| Sometimes inserts himself physically into
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| | strong will of boys to do things in ways
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| a group of children by pushing or nudging
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| | that reflect their own logic about how
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| others out of the way in order to join
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| | problems should be solved.
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| the conversation.
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| | As the situation unfolded, it became
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| - Eye contact
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| | apparent that Grant's resistance provided
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| Example: Doesn't look others in the eye;
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| | the boys with a good problem-solving
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| hides behind hair/hat/sunglasses; stares
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| | opportunity, and so I posed a question to
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| to the point of discomfort.
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| | the group. Did anyone have any ideas
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| - Linking gestures with ideas and
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| | about how we could get Grant to join us?
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| emotions
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| | Most of the kids responded with
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| Example: Body language doesn't match
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| | suggestions of various kinds of rewards:
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| speech (thanks you for giving him a
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| | games, candy, or premium seating
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| desired gift but slumps and stares off
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| | (twirling chair). One typically shy boy,
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| into space); waves too strongly or too
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| | Tyler, suggested we could "buddy-up" so
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| unenthusiastically for the circumstances;
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| | that everyone could have a partner,
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| forgets to reinforce emotion with body
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| | including Grant. Tyler also suggested
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| language.
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| | that buddies sit next to each other so
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| - Using facial expression effectively
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| | they could share tools. Most of the boys
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| Example: Facial expressions don't convey
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| | agreed this was a good idea and so we
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| interest in other people; expression is
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| | began a discussion of how buddies would
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| not congruent with topic or situation;
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| | be chosen. Again, Tyler spoke up,
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| doesn't nod to show he gets the point,
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| | suggesting that Grant could pick his
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| looks furious at small disappointment;
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| | buddy.
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| forgets to smile.
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| | Throughout this process, I was watching
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| VERBAL
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| | Grant closely, and was struck by his
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| - Attending to time and place
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| | awareness of the group's concern about
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| Example: Talks too fast; doesn't know
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| | him. His facial expression changed from
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| when to interject a comment or let others
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| | one of distrust to a cautious grin. He'd
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| speak, doesn't know how much information
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| | obviously had some significant doubt
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| to share (goes on and on about a subject
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| | about whether the boys would accept him,
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| to someone's obvious irritation).
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| | and how he would fit in - figuratively
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| - Turn-taking
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| | and literally. Tyler's leadership in
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| Example: Consistently interrupts; doesn't
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| | breaking through his fears paved the way
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| perceive when it's someone else's turn to
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| | for his integration in the group. As you
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| talk.
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| | might imagine, I felt very proud of Tyler
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| - Voice modulation
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| | for his sensitivity to Grant, and his
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| Example: Has trouble with prosody (pitch,
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| | ability to apply that sensitivity through
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| tone, volume, inflection); speaks too
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| | active problem-solving. Although he never
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| softly or loudly without regard for
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| | verbalized Grant's feelings, Tyler's
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| physical proximity (you're across the
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| | suggestions were, emotionally speaking,
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| room but he doesn't raise his voice to
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| | quite sophisticated, and reflected an
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| answer you).
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| | understanding of what Grant was feeling.
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| - Giving compliments
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| | Socializing is not a "Logical" Process
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| Example: Doesn't know how to give a
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| | When we think about teaching social
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| compliment relevant to a person and
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| | skills to children, it is a natural step
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| circumstances; sometimes unintentionally
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| | for us to begin thinking about skills as
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| insults people ("you're a lot less fat
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| | component parts of a larger system. While
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| than you were").
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| | this may be a logical and practical way
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| - Greetings and Good-byes
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| | to go about the teaching of a "system,"
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| Example: Doesn't know how to introduce
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| | it is not necessarily the best, or only,
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| himself to individuals or groups; can't
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| | aspect of a therapeutic process designed
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| initiate social contact (avoids parties
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| | to facilitate the development of social
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| and gatherings); doesn't know how to
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| | skills.
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| close a conversation (just walks off when
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| | In addition, for individuals such as
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| he's done talking); doesn't shake hands
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| | psychologists or counselors who may teach
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| share hugs with close friends or family
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| | social skills, there is a tendency to
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| members; forgets to say "hello".
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| | systematize the teaching of such skills
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| THINKING
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| | in limited periods of time, such as
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| - Detecting emotions in other people
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| | teaching one skill per session for 12 -
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| Example: Doesn't consider other people's
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| | 15 weeks. When social skills are taught
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| emotional state before speaking (you're
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| | to groups this approach may be
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| in the middle of an argument with someone
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| | inevitable, but when working with
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| and he asks you to make him a snack);
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| | children individually, there is typically
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| doesn't realize when it's time to "back
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| | more latitude, including allowing the
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| off"; doesn't read signs about how you
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| | child to play an important role in how
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| feel (thinks you're mad when you're not)
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| | the learning evolves. Experience has
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| - Perceiving and expressing humor
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| | taught me not to exclude the importance
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| Example: Takes jokes, sarcasm or irony
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| | of the relationship between teacher and
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| literally; laughs at inappropriate times;
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| | student, or therapist and client, in
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| doesn't engage in word play or friendly
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| | helping children integrate new skills. In
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| teasing with peers.
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| | this sense, professionals allow the
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| - Knowing how to make conversational
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| | process of learning to be as organic as
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| transitions
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| | would be the process of healing syndromes
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| Example: Forgets to take his turn in
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| | like depression or anxiety.
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| conversations (calls you up on phone and
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| | An excellent working alliance is a
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| then says nothing); discussions filled
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| | critical foundation for learning most
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| with uncomfortable "dead space"; doesn't
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| | things, including how to relate to
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| pick up on "leads" to continue
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| | others.
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| conversation (So, you like baseball?
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| | This is because gaining social competence
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| Who's your favorite team?)
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| | is more than conceptually grasping
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| - Anticipating other people's reactions
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| | "skills," it also involves relaxing
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| Example: Neglects to consider the impact
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| | enough to take risks - trying new things
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| of his words before speaking; can't
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| | with uncertain outcomes.
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| easily imagine how his words or actions
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| | From Skills to Awareness
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| will be perceived by others (says he
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| | Perhaps we need to remember that for the
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| likes one present more than another at
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| | brain and mind to integrate new ideas, a
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| his birthday party without anticipating
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| | fertile ground of receptivity must first
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| that someone's feelings will be hurt).
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| | be prepared. That receptivity often
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| Why Are Social Skills So Hard To Learn?
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| | springs from an effective, trusting,
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| Most people use social skills quickly and
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| | working alliance. For many children, this
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| automatically, and as a result, don't
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| | means engaging in therapeutic and
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| have the benefit of time to analyze which
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| | relational activities that are not purely
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| skills will be used in particular
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| | didactic, because such structured
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| situations, or how best to apply them.
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| | activities are often associated with
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| When our social reflexes are well-attuned
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| | domains where they lack success. In other
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| and effective, we don't need time to
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| | words, you can make it fun - play is the
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| think - we just do and say what comes
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| | work of children.
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| naturally.
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| | While I would never want to give up my
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| Important to emphasize is that social
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| | use of behavioral charts and records, or
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| skills are built on a foundation of
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| | surrender my collection of therapeutic
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| interpersonal awareness. Without an
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| | games designed to teach things like
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| appreciation of other people's nonverbal
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| | communication pragmatics and listening
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| behavior, including sensitivity to
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| | skills, I have come to believe that those
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| nuances of language rhythm and intonation
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| | exercises are somewhat empty without a
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| (prosody), it is difficult to formulate
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| | solid alliance between my clients and
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| appropriate and constructive verbal and
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| | myself.
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| behavioral responses. In addition to
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| | The alliance gives children and teens the
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| having a basic awareness of other people,
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| | capacity to be receptive. Sometimes,
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| having an empathetic orientation toward
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| | people may not even be aware of their own
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| others is very helpful in bolstering
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| | resistance to learning new skills. For
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| one's intuition about how to relate
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| | children with learning disabilities,
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| effectively. As some readers may be
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| | these walls often come down slowly, but
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| aware, a disproportionate number of
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| | they do come down with tools like
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| children and adolescents with learning
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| | patience, commitment, and belief in the
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| disabilities are observed to have low
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| | desire of children to connect with
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| empathy.
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| | others.
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| To be in an empathic relationship with
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| | Anything that might help a child connect
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| another person or group is the opposite
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| | the development of social awareness with
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| of self-absorption. Empathy implies a
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| | a positive outcome should be considered a
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| departure from a state of
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| | potential tool. Still, we should remember
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| self-centeredness, and immersion into the
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| | that what we are building with these
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| subjective experience of others. By
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| | tools is a mind, and a mind is not a
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| definition, empathy is prosocial, because
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| | machine - it is the very essence of being
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| it emphasizes the value of comprehending
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| | a person. We simply can't program a mind
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| and appreciating the thoughts and
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| | according to standards of efficiency
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| feelings of other people.
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| | without regard for the individual within
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| We all function in various types of
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| | whom that mind lives.
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| groups: families, schools, teams,
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| | This article originally appeared in the
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| neighborhoods, and communities, among
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| | 2004 monograph of the Learning
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| others. Social skills make our
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| | Disabilities Association of Pennsylvania.
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| participation in these groups easier and
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| | Portions of this article were adapted
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| more satisfying. Although lack of empathy
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| | from Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons
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| has been associated with the presence of
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| | to Communicate and Connect, Guilford
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| NLD, I would argue that what is missing
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| | Press, 2006.
|
