| My wife and I need to exercise more. Every time we | | | | energy bars (for endurance), 2 jugs of Gatorade (to |
| leave the house we notice vultures circling overhead in | | | | replenish our bodily fluids), rain gear (in case of |
| anticipation and now our washing machine is doing that | | | | inclement weather), a map and compass (in case we |
| nasty thing where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a | | | | get lost), a flashlight (in case we're lost at night), and |
| moment of pure inspiration and absolutely no intelligent | | | | signal flares (to assist the search party).We go over |
| thought whatsoever, we decide to take up mountain | | | | the route one final time. I spread the map out on the |
| biking. We could remember biking as kids and there | | | | kitchen table, pointer in hand and carefully review the |
| was nothing to it. We set out to purchase our bikes | | | | emergency procedures. "If separated, we will |
| with the fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing | | | | rendezvous either here, at check-point Charlie, or here, |
| in our faces.One of the very first things we discover is | | | | at check-point Romeo.""We've been over this four |
| that the seats are too small. Apparently they are now | | | | times already," my wife complains, obviously taking the |
| making the seats smaller than in our youth. The clerk | | | | whole adventure much too lightly and showing no |
| smiles knowingly and smugly suggests that for the | | | | respect for my superior training and experience. After |
| more mature biking enthusiasts they can attach foam | | | | all, I was the one who spent nearly two full years in the |
| padding. There is, of course, an extra charge. My wife | | | | Cub Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand the |
| chooses the padding and is currently riding around on | | | | seriousness of the task ahead and have taken the |
| what looks like a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on | | | | necessary precautions.We're finally ready to put our |
| the other hand, have decided to save the additional | | | | weeks of training and preparations to use. It's time to |
| expense and go without the padding. My proctologist | | | | venture forth and boldly go where no sane |
| has assured me that the tingling in my left buttock | | | | middle-aged couple has gone before -- it's time to |
| should fade away with time.Early saturday morning we | | | | leave our driveway.We brief the kids. "Now remember, |
| prepare for our first cycling adventure. We decide to | | | | while we are gone we want one of you to remain by |
| leave early to insure we'll be back before dark. My | | | | the phone at all times in case we need to call for |
| wife is to travel in front and carry a fanny pack with | | | | assistance.""But you're only going around the block," the |
| suntan lotion, a first aid kit and our medical insurance | | | | kids complain. "The house will be in sight the entire |
| cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is to follow | | | | time."Ah, the innocence of youth. They oversimplify |
| behind and criticize. I'll be carrying a backpack filled with: | | | | everything. |
| peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (for subsistence), | | | | |