Non-Compliance in Your Children, Some Tips for Parents

Non-compliance is the family therapist's big word forago. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child," is
your child not obeying you when you have asked himthe way he put it. Simply said, "Kids will do foolish
or her to do something. It is helpful because it isthings, they are not yet wise." It is our job as parents to
descriptive, and because it may also motivate us asteach them wisdom.3. We often EXPECT more out
parents to move our kids from being non-compliant toof our kid's behavior than we expect from ourselves.
being compliant.We want others to excuse faults in us, yet we will
expect perfection in our children. This needs to
Here's how we are going to define the termchange.4. Children do things on purpose. Sometimes
"non-compliance" in children:your child will misbehave on purpose. He is testing you.
He is observing you. Draw the line now, or you will be
1. The child fails to begin doing what he was askedsorry later.5. Child behavior is not random. See number
within a reasonable amount of time (15 seconds);2. The4.
child fails to keep doing what he was asked until the
job is finished;3. The child fails to follow previouslyHere are two phrases for parents to remember in
taught rules of conduct in a specific situation, such asunderstanding your children:
at church, at school, at the store, or with friends;
A child's behavior occurs because of who the child is,
When your child is non-compliant you need to takewhat the child knows about you, and what the child
action. You simply cannot ignore the behavior hopingwants from you.
that it will go away. Deal with the situation yourself, or
consider getting some professional help in toughThe child will do things either to get POSITIVE
situations. Non-compliance should be treated because:REINFORCEMENT, or to ESCAPE or AVOID
SOMETHING that he does not want to do or have.
1. It is the most frequent complaint of parents seeking
help in clinics;2. It underlies most negative interactionsSo please spend enough time with your child to let him
between family members and the child;3. Becauseknow that you are on his side, and that you want the
disruptive-aggressive behaviors usually do not occurbest for him. There are certain things that our children
randomly. Instead they occur in "bursts" and are usuallyneed to know in order to be successful in life, and one
associated with having asked the child to doof those things is knowing how to listen and obey
something.parents. Stay the course and be consistent with
teaching your child wisdom and compliance. To learn
Over the years I have developed somemore about helping children, visit Cowan, Psy.D., is a
presuppositions with respect to children and theirfamily therapist who has been working with ADHD
behavior. I'd like to pass this on to you, as parents, withchildren and their families since 1986. He is the clinical
the hope that it will help you in dealing with yourdirector of the ADHD Information Library's family of
non-compliant child. They are:seven web sites, including helping over 350,000 parents
and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr.
1. Kids are weird. Children do not think like adults do,Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of
they do not process information as adults do. The doVAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the
not see the world around them as adults do.2. Kids areBoard of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central
fools. This is not original with me. King Solomon,California, and is President of NewIdeas.net
reflecting on his growing family (remember he hadIncorporated.
1,000 wives and many children) said this a long time