| The recent California Wildfires remind me that we | | | | that they are "doing just fine." Alternatively, a person |
| have had a series of crisis in our country over the past | | | | may recoil at the loss, withdraw from social contact |
| six years that have impacted many, many lives. The | | | | and become numb in a way that makes life seem |
| first major crisis occurred on September 11, 2001, when | | | | surreal -- dreamlike in quality. Later in the grief process, |
| nearly 3,000 people died in New York City, Virginia and | | | | the denial stage of loss takes on the same qualities as |
| Pennsylvania at the hands of terrorists. Many | | | | shock, but with less intensity of emotional numbing. |
| Americans still suffer serious health consequences and | | | | Another stage of loss is anger. When the reality of the |
| even death because of their rescue efforts related to | | | | loss becomes clear to us and we realize the injustice |
| the terrorist attacks. Two years later, in October of | | | | of the situation around which the loss occurred, we |
| 2003, Wildfires in California destroyed over 3,600 | | | | become angry. This is the time when we blame the |
| homes. After another two years, in August of 2005, | | | | government for not stepping in with relief quickly |
| Hurricane Katrina devastated Louisiana and the | | | | enough, we feel enraged at the medical professionals |
| Mississippi Coast, including parts of Alabama, | | | | whom we have trusted but who were unable to cure |
| destroying approximately 275,000 homes and taking at | | | | the difficulty that led to the crisis, we become angry at |
| least 1,800 lives. And most recently, 1,300 more | | | | others who have not experienced the same loss for |
| residents of Southern California lost their homes in | | | | their well-intended, but naively hurtful comments, we |
| October due to the fires. | | | | become angry at ourselves for not having done |
| These large-scale disasters have touched many of | | | | something to prevent the crisis or we become angry |
| our lives and leave lasting emotional, mental and | | | | at God for allowing the tragedy to touch our lives. |
| financial difficulties in their wake. If we have not been | | | | During this stage of grief, we tend to be |
| directly impacted, we know and care about someone | | | | unapproachable to anyone who would seek to help us |
| who has. But, in addition to large-scale disasters like | | | | in an effort to provide assistance and comfort. |
| these many of us also experience personal crises as | | | | Bargaining is the psychological mechanism we use |
| part of our day-to-day experience. Those crises come | | | | during the grief process to try to avoid the realities of |
| in the forms of a devastating health diagnosis such as | | | | the loss. Recognizing a significant loss is extremely |
| Cancer or AIDs, divorce, foreclosure on our home, | | | | painful and most of us tend to seek to avoid pain |
| death, the serious injury of a child, disability or | | | | whenever possible. Therefore, if we can bargain with |
| unemployment. | | | | whatever power we believe has more control over |
| Whether the crisis is a shared community loss or one | | | | our situation that we do, we will seek to strike a |
| that is very private, one thing is certain, crisis and the | | | | bargain with that power in hopes that the bargain will |
| losses associated with them touch each of our lives | | | | bring relief. Most of the time, you will not be able to find |
| from time to time. But because we don't expect the | | | | a bargain that will be sufficient to stave off the effects |
| unexpected, these experiences take us by surprise | | | | of the pain. Bargaining does, however, help us believe |
| and we can find ourselves unprepared to deal with the | | | | we have some measure of control over a situation |
| emotional and psychological aspects of recovering | | | | over which we have none. |
| after crisis. | | | | When we realize that we cannot find a solution that |
| Although there are individual differences related to | | | | will allow us to avoid the loss, we experience a sense |
| how each of us reacts to loss, the emotional stages | | | | of depression. In this stage, we begin to experience the |
| of grief and loss are predictable. And because they | | | | emotions directly related to the loss. It is here that we |
| are predictable, understanding what the stages are | | | | are most likely to cry, even sob. The reality is that |
| can provide some comfort to help you recognize that | | | | intense emotions build up energy in our systems and |
| your response to crisis is normal, expected and part of | | | | crying releases that energy in a way that helps to heal |
| a process that will, ultimately, lead to healing. | | | | the body and the emotions. If depression lasts more |
| Keep in mind that while I will describe each stage in the | | | | than 6 months or if you experience suicidal feelings, |
| order I've chosen here, the grief process is not linear. | | | | seek professional help to deal with the complications |
| Please, do not expect to move through one stage to | | | | of your grief and to be sure you negotiate the process |
| the next in a sequential order. In fact, the time spent in | | | | safely. |
| any stage of grief depends upon your individual | | | | The final stage of grief is acceptance. Expect to visit |
| process of experiencing and processing your | | | | this stage more than once and achieve small levels of |
| emotions. And once you have spent time with one | | | | acceptance before the grief process is complete. That |
| stage, that does not mean you will not re-visit the | | | | is, expect to move from acceptance back to anger, |
| same stage again and again before you complete the | | | | bargaining or depression, for example. This re-visiting of |
| healing process. Remember, grieving, like life, is a | | | | previously experienced stages does not represent |
| dynamic process that follows its own course. The | | | | failure or something you are doing wrong as you |
| best way to heal is to allow the feelings to come and | | | | grieve. It is simply true that you may move through |
| to make room for them in your life. Honor them and | | | | several of the stages over and over again and in |
| take good care of yourself in order to negotiate all the | | | | random order before the healing process is complete. |
| stages of grief and to heal completely. | | | | With acceptance, the loss becomes part of your |
| Almost universally, the initial reaction to a crisis is shock. | | | | identity that you will sometimes visit with a sense of |
| During this stage, there is an absence of awareness | | | | sadness, except that there will be an absence of the |
| of the extent of the crisis. For example, you will find it | | | | devastation that originally accompanied the loss. The |
| hard to believe that your loved one is gone. During this | | | | reality is that when we experience a significant loss, |
| emotional stage, some people kick into gear and | | | | we seldom get "over it" and never re-visit the loss with |
| become active in dealing with the physical realities of | | | | some level of sadness. Let me give you an example, |
| the crisis without allowing the crisis to really "sink in." A | | | | my grief process related to infertility was an active |
| person reacting to the shock of loss in this way will | | | | and intense daily experience for seven years. Now, |
| take care of all of the funeral arrangements, shore | | | | after dealing with the reality of unresolved infertility in |
| other family members up emotionally while a loved one | | | | my life for the last 18 years, I now occasionally |
| is dying in the hospital or begin the clean-up right away | | | | experience a twinge of loss related to never having |
| when a natural disaster has occurred. Then, when this | | | | experienced pregnancy, but it is no longer a constant |
| person is not expecting it, the reality of the loss will | | | | nor a nagging pain. Yet, infertility is part of my life story. |
| descend during a quiet moment. The reality of the loss | | | | It has become a part of my identity that I can |
| often takes this person by surprise because up to the | | | | completely accept and it no longer stops me from |
| point when the emotions descend, this person thinks | | | | enjoying other things in my life. |