| 'You are old, Father William', the young man said, | | | | ·Becoming dependent. |
| 'And your hair has become very white; | | | | By imagining yourself in their place, you may react |
| And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- | | | | more sympathetically and suitably. |
| Do you think, at your age, it is right?' | | | | 3) Forget "Parenting Your Parent" |
| Lewis Carroll (1865) | | | | One of the least helpful ideas in our current culture is |
| My grandmother was the original matriarch. When she | | | | the notion that as your parents age, you become their |
| barked "frog," the only acceptable response was "how | | | | parent. Stuff and Nonsense! You are NOT your |
| high?" She was hard to deal with in her last days, | | | | parent's parent, nor will you ever be. Your role may be |
| surprising no one. | | | | friend, confidant, caregiver, and supporter, but when |
| Not being the brightest penny in the family bag, I | | | | you take the role of parent, you diminish your elder by |
| reacted emotionally to her complaints, judgments, and | | | | reducing them to the position of child. No wonder they |
| demands. Rather than leave immediately, I stood my | | | | react negatively. Wouldn't you? |
| ground, trying to defend my relatives and myself from | | | | 4) Use behavior modification techniques |
| her relentless attacks. As a result, we were not | | | | Behavior modification has gotten a bad rap of late, |
| speaking when she died. | | | | probably due to the many ways in which its principles |
| Had I understood what I was facing, had I tried to put | | | | have been misused. However, used properly, behavior |
| myself in her shoes, our story could have had a better | | | | modification techniques can remove unpleasant |
| ending. In hopes that your story will have a more | | | | behaviors and return sanity to your family. |
| satisfying ending, I offer a few of the tricks for dealing | | | | If you don't know the basics of behavior modification, |
| with difficult elders I've learned since then. | | | | here is a site that can bring you up to speed quickly: |
| 1) Make a plan BEFORE a crisis | | | | A few tips to help you begin |
| The best way to deal with difficult parents is to avoid | | | | Before you begin, you must clearly define what |
| as many problems as possible by planning how you will | | | | outcome you want to achieve. For example, you find |
| handle them before they arise. | | | | that you are spending an increasing amount of time |
| Pick a time when ALL family members can meet in | | | | waiting for your elder to get ready for an outing. If you |
| person or on a conference call to discuss what you | | | | want your elder to be on time, make that the specified |
| will do when a family member needs help. Take the | | | | outcome. |
| focus off elderly | | | | Identify your elder's positive reinforcers. Clearly they do |
| Family members by fully including them in the planning | | | | not respond to your annoyance (or are you even |
| and making certain they have a role to play. | | | | allowing your irritation to show?), but they do enjoy |
| Be sure to take notes! Share them with all family | | | | outings. |
| members to verify your family agreements. In difficult | | | | Tie the outcome to the reinforcer in a clear statement, |
| situations, you might want to ask family members to | | | | for example, "If you are ready at 10:15, we will go |
| sign and return a copy of any agreement. | | | | shopping." |
| Here are a few of the issues you may want to | | | | Shape the behavior you want. If your elder is habitually |
| address: | | | | 30 minutes late, it is unlikely that they will suddenly be |
| Physical Location | | | | on time. So, decide in advance to shape their behavior. |
| How will you help a family member when they live in | | | | For example, you may choose to wait 20 minutes. If |
| another town? | | | | they are not ready, leave without them. Once that |
| Can you be an effective long-distance caregiver, and, | | | | behavior has been established, wait only 10 minutes, |
| if so, how? | | | | then only five. By using this tactic, you will arrive at the |
| If not, who will move, and when should that move | | | | outcome you desire with a minimum of pain. |
| happen? | | | | Punishment. Punishers can work - if they are severe |
| Roles | | | | and immediate. However, they increase the likelihood |
| Who will be responsible for what? | | | | that you'll get results you didn't anticipate or want! |
| Will you share expenses equally, or will you balance | | | | Locking someone in a room or closet is punishment. |
| money versus time contributions? | | | | Don't go there! |
| What will happen when there are disagreements? | | | | Extinction. Use extinction techniques rather than |
| How will you handle changes in individual | | | | punishers to get rid of unwanted behaviors. Extinction |
| circumstances? | | | | is simple. Offer no reaction to bad behavior. Don't talk |
| How will you react to threats to health and safety? | | | | about it. Don't react to it. Leave the room, leave the |
| Differentiate preferences and requirements. If it's more | | | | house if you must. But remove the opportunity for |
| than a preference that family members not live | | | | reinforcement of such behaviors. |
| together, get it out on the table before a crisis erupts. | | | | Be aware that it will take time for extinction techniques |
| Document Planning | | | | to carry out your goal. Also realize that the frequency |
| Where will you store important documents such as | | | | of the undesirable behavior may actually increase |
| Wills, | | | | while extinction is occurring. Be patient and resolved. |
| Power of attorney, | | | | You'll get there if you don't weaken. |
| Insurance policies, and | | | | 5) Identify your own contribution to difficult parents and |
| Deeds of trust. | | | | difficult families |
| Who will have access to these documents? And | | | | Perhaps the most difficult (and perhaps the most |
| under what circumstances? | | | | useful) technique is to identify your own contribution to |
| 2) Stretch your patience muscle | | | | the problem, and stop it! |
| Remember your excitement when you crossed the | | | | ·Are you taking the course of least resistance and |
| threshold of adulthood? When you first got a driver's | | | | putting up with undesirable behavior because it's too |
| license? When you got your first job? When you | | | | difficult to change it. |
| found your first apartment and could decorate it all on | | | | ·Do you avoid conflict at all costs? |
| your own? Then think about how you would feel if you | | | | ·Could you be afraid to give up your position as |
| had to give up adult privileges, one by one. What | | | | "favorite" or "good?" |
| you're feeling now may closely approximate the | | | | ·Do you feel emotionally superior when you deny |
| feelings of your difficult parent. But your elder's feelings | | | | your own needs to attend to those of others? |
| cannot be imagined away. | | | | Any of these may lead to more difficulties in the |
| Your difficult parent may fear | | | | future, so give them up. Decide what you can do within |
| ·Becoming invisible; | | | | reason, and do that. If you need help, ask for it. You |
| ·Seeing themselves as useless or stupid; | | | | can deal with the problems of difficult parents and |
| ·Losing their friends; | | | | difficult families if you are willing. |
| ·Losing physical abilities; | | | | |